In most cases that is true but over the past few months I have not been practicing what I preach. I have not always looked at discussions I've had with my boys with a trully open mind. My sons can talk to me about everything and if you have been in my house when my boys were growing up you can attest that I have never had limits on what we can talk about. It gets a little wild sometimes. I have always been the parent and worried about them. In this past year I have seen a difference in my oldest son. My son's have always accepted that I am a big woman but they are not happy about it. They would love for me to lose the weight. They have been pretty vocal about it never in a really bad way but I have not always taken the discussions too well and hurt feelings were generally at the end of these discussions. Why? Well folks the great communicator (me) really wasn't doing that. I was shutting down when the people I love the most wanted to discuss my health and my life expectancy. You see communication is a two way street and I was practicing only one part of it, the talking not the listening.
I didn't want my 20 something children nagging me or telling me what to do. I guess I felt that they were trying to tell me what to do and I balked at even having open discussions about it. I would pull the walls up and not hear what they were saying.
Life is a funny thing as the boys grew they actually listened to me and my oldest son is becoming quite the intelligent insightful adult. You see I taught my kids to not only care about the people in their family but to do things for them. We always give our opinions to each other. We tell the truth when it's needed.
Today he basically said the same thing to me that he'd always said, but unlike the past I heard it as he trully meant it not as an attack at all but a plea from someone who loves their mother so much. A man who does not want the final act of my life to be one of bitterness or regret. My boy was not worried about himself no he was worried that my worst fear would come true if I didn't do something to stop it. He has tried to formulate a solution not only a plan but he put money behind it and with all his military strategy he planned this so that this 54 year old could not find an excuse.
What a gift as a mother to be fortunate enough to see the love your child feels as a tangible thing. I'm lucky that god allows me to see beyond my own poor self image and to see what is possible. I got to cut through the mother son crap and was able to see only the love. I hope I do better in the future in the communication area so that I don't allow my ego to stand in the way of receiving the message.
I don't know that I'm strong enough to fight over 45 years of self abuse but I'm going to try to do this. Not only for my kids but so that when my final act comes to a close I can leave this world as I came into it with a light step and a huge voice.
I hope I get to have many more opportunities to feel the pride and accomplishment I felt today watching the my little boy turn into a big hearted loving man. It's wonderful to watch your children grow up and I'm very lucky to have these men in my life.
Well done son you are on your way to becoming a truly phenomenal man. You were my miracle all those years ago and you still are.
Much Love
Mom
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